Requests

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requests versus demands

Ask for 100% of what you want, 
and always be willing to hear a "NO"

Requests of others is a normal part of our everyday life. There are things we want and we need to communicate them if we are to have any chance of receiving them. 

In addition to the everyday use of requests it is also the fourth step of Compassionate Communication, but making a request is always optional and depends upon the situation. In fact once you learn CC well you will find yourself only using the steps you need in any situation.

The important thing to know about a request is that it is very different than a demand. Even a polite sounding "request" is really a demand if we get angry or punish the other for not giving us what we ask for.

Making a demand will only get us what we want temporarily, because in the long run the person will resent us and distance from us for being forced to do as we want.

Another important aspect of requests is that it's often embarrassing to ask for what we want. And so when we do get enough courage together to do it, it's even more embarrassing if the other says "NO."

So a difficult part of making requests is to be able to make them and also be open to hearing a NO. When we hear a NO it's important that we hear this as a statement about THE OTHER PERSON, and their feelings and needs, not as a statement about ourselves. If we think it is a judgement about ourselves, then we will get defensive and then loose our conection to the other. 

Also, as with stating needs with a positive wording, Marshall uses the same idea when he talks about requests. Here he says it's important to use "Positive Action Language." What that means is to ask for something that is an observable action, such as "I'd really like you to spend 2 or 3 nights a week with me." That is clear and can be done if it is agreeable. But it is difficult to give something which is vague and unconcrete like "I'd like you to want to spend more time with me," or "I'd like you to feel better about our relationship." Neither of those can be easily done or demonstrated.
 
 

more about requests and demands
How we deal with our Hopes and Expectations

Most of our emotional pain comes from our expectations

Most of our pain flows from our expectations. But the idea is not to be free of all expectations, but rather it is to be conscious of them and notice when they are causing us pain. At that moment we then have choices, either the choice to simply let go of the expectation for the moment and recenter ourselves, or perhaps simply to acknowledge that we have it. Sharing our experiences from this perspective allows others to connect with us and what we are going through, whereas unconscious blaming separates us.

Demands are closely related to expectations, and in CC we observe how demands alienate and separate us from those we care about.

If we want to be happy it's important not to judge anyones desires, needs or even their expectations, and that includes our own. We are more interested in accepting what we want in life and what others want in life, and finding the most effective ways of communicating them. We are then most likely to get what we want, AND to also remain closely connected to those we want these things from.

The happiest people are those who are the most flexible and have the ability to derive pleasure from a wide range of experiences, even ones they never expected. Since their expectations are not too strongly fixed, they are open to whatever comes, and find they can enjoy surprising occurances as well as the things they told themselves they are hoping for.

In classical eastern spirtiuality we could call an expectation just another form of attachment. But we do not need to judge attachments or expectations, we merely want to become aware of what we go through life expecting, and the ways we have tried to get those things for ourselves. We can then notice if the methods we are using result in our connections with others becoming closer or furthur apart.